Erika didn’t know what to say to Dylan’s outburst.
She was quiet, heart constricting so tightly it nearly took her breath away. I can’t raise a fucking baby, Erika! She couldn’t believe what Dylan was saying, he’d been so excited earlier that week — -
Her voice was quiet. “But… you’ve done so well with Liam. He loves you so much. I don’t understand.”
Erika really didn’t. This outburst seemed to come completely out of the blue, leaving her blindsided.
Her hands tightened protectively around her belly.
She felt nauseous again.
Dylan sat in the water only half listening to Erika’s confusion. So many thoughts were buzzing around his mind that he could barely understand what she was saying. He could go, be he wouldn’t want to be anywhere but with Erika. He’d come back, but then he’d be in the same position. He could go; he could use the water as an escape, or a razor. He could use pills or he could jump. There were so many possibilities, the bathtub was only one of them.
He could go; or the baby could.
Because both of them didn’t belong here. He could feel it. He’d fucked up and now there were very limited ways out of his mess.
He pulled himself out of the tub, water sloshing onto the floor and dripping from his soaked clothes as he took slow, purposeful steps toward Erika. He didn’t want to. It was the only thing left.
Erika stared at him for a moment, tears suddenly threatening to spill over. Goddamn hormones, she thought. It seemed like the simplest of things would send her into a hysterical mess these days, and Dylan screaming was no exception. Erika wanted to scream right back in his face, scold him for scaring the shit out of her and acting like a child, but she couldn’t. She was too close to another crying fit. Erika caught her bottom lip between her teeth and gnawed.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
— - but she already knew.
“Why are we doing this? I can’t do it, Erika. I can’t raise a baby. I can’t raise Liam, that kid only gets by because of you. This one, it’s mine. It’s my baby and I can’t do that to him. I can’t. I CAN’T RAISE A FUCKING BABY, ERIKA.”
His whole body was trembling now, hand’s shaking against the water. Her just wanted her to leave so he could finish. Everything was less complicated under the water.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” She nearly shrieked, own heart threatening to beat right out of her chest.
Something was wrong, Erika could sense. Dylan was avoiding her gaze, avoiding looking at her all together. He was focused on the water in front of him, seemingly mesmerized by it, and Erika could feel the panic starting to swell low in her throat.
This was it. The other shoe. The one she knew was bound to drop.
It was a minute before anything made sense. Another minute before he had caught his breath enough to speak anyway. Everything came flooding back at once and he remembered the things he had been trying not to feel; the anger and confusion, and things he wouldn’t admit to.
“I don’t know what I’m doing.” The words were soft but spoken with nothing but anger. “I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE DOING,” he shouted, fist smashing into the water and sending some flying in every direction.
“ — but I do, Dylan. The Games were all I ever knew, they’re who I am;; I don’t know how to let them go. And now they’re just gone, gone! and it’s all my fault. Our kids are going to grow up and never know what it’s like to be in that Arena. They’ll never feel that glory.”
“They’ll feel what we feel when we watch somebody for days, learn about them. They’ll know what it’s like to know someone well enough that you know exactly what time they’re walking home alone, or what time there’s no one else at the house. They’ll know what it’s like to draw blood and need to see more. They’ll be us, Erika. The Games weren’t everything. We’re still the same people we’ve always been. They haven’t taken everything.”
Erika stopped breathing the second she opened the bathroom door.
Dylan was submerged — submerged — in the bathtub, lying deathly still. Erika’s heart rocketed into her throat and she froze in the doorway, hand hovering over the slight swell of her belly.
“Dylan?” She squeaked, the reality of the situation not quite registering.
No response.
Acting on instinct;; she rushed forward and grabbed him by the shoulders, pulling him out of the water — - Erika let out a little scream when the bathwater surged up over her elbows. She flew backward, back hitting the wall, and gulped for air.
Dylan couldn’t hear anything under the water; nothing except the sound of his own ears ringing. There was less resistance now, less instinct to fight back to, as the bathroom started to fall away from him. It was the hands grabbing at his shoulders, pulling him forward that dragged him into reality. One minute the hands were there and the next they were gone, and Dylan slumped against the back of the bath tub, breathing hard, taking in huge gulps of air.
He stared down at the water, imagining himself lying beneath the surface, the instinct to breathe finally taking its toll until his lungs filled with water. He couldn’t look at Erika. He couldn’t speak to her. He just imagined sinking back into the water, and breathed deep, fast breaths.
“They are. We may not…” She paused, throat tightening. Guilt weighed heavy on her heart. I should have killed the Mockingjay when I had the chance. “…have the Hunger Games anymore, but we can still teach them what it means to be a Victor. We can train them. Liam is already so good with his bow — - I can’t wait to introduce him to knives.”
“We don’t need the Games. They don’t, either. They’ll be great either way.” Dylan had seen Liam with his bow and arrow; he was good all things considering, and he would only get better with time and age.
“We’ll teach them everything as if we were training them the way we were.”
Erika’s hands found their way back to her stomach, unable to keep away. She was so unbelievably excited.
“Hi baby,” She found herself saying, momentarily forgetting Dylan was there. “I can’t wait to meet you.”
After a brief moment Erika looked back up at Dylan, misty eyed.
“We’re going to have another little Victor.”
Dylan’s eyes drifted down to Erika’s stomach where she had placed her hands, as if she could already feel the little life growing there. At her words, he couldn’t help but think of how victor’s were now a thing of the past. Their children were going to be brought up in a totally different world where that title wouldn’t need to be earned. But he didn’t say anything.
“I do too. …or a sister. I’ll be happy either way.”
“Oh! — We still have to tell Flux and Tynn. But wait, isn’t telling people before the second trimester bad luck or something? You know what;; No, I’m not gonna risk it.”
“We won’t tell anyone. Nothing’s gonna screw this up for us, you got it?”
